Firstly I would request readers to not get turned down by the title and also the post, relationships and their complexities are definelty not my kind off stuff – I mean I cannot think of myself giving relationship advice but this post is more about the shit that happens when in relationships….
Humans being social beings crave for having a social circle, want to have relationships i.e. parents, friends, siblings and last but not the least partners in life. I strongly believe that the core personality of a person depends on the way he\she have been brought up and the kind of environment they have been brought up in during he first 5 years which are the formative years for human beings. As much as we would like to dismiss the fact and believe that we are what we are because of our experiences and encounters be it in terms of difficult situations or people, fundamentally a person’s traits are a result of the childhood experiences as these memories remain etched forever in the sub conscious mind and hence traits cannot be changed.
This is the basic theory that I have understood over a period of time and this has helped me understand my relations in a better way and it has also eliminated the misconception that I had till a few years ago that people can be changed and that their traits change.
What surprises me the most about relationships these days is that we are just not ready to accept people as they are, while we accept the way our parents and friends are and continue our relationships with them (seldom have I heard of people breaking up with parents or friends) the same is just not the case when it comes to relationships between partners. People enter into relationships initially because they are attracted to the opposite person and share common interests and then over a period of time become a couple and then the usual stuff of proposing and giving gifts and then going out and finally meeting families happens. Somewhere during the above mentioned process, the arguments start and then they increase and while compromise is a part of any relationship, the question that bothers me is “How much to compromise and where on what aspects to compromise” .
This is because these days I come across relationships which broadly fall under two categories:
1. Love you so much cannot live without you type – These are cases where either partners or both are so into pleasing each other just because they believe that they cannot live without each other that they start doing everything that will please the other person and in the process loose their own identity. All this looks very cute and life is hunky dory till one fine day when the realization hits so hard that the very same people start feeling claustrophobic in the relation and look for the nearest exit possible, tempers start flying and ultimately the once madly in love couple decide to call it off. In my opinion (though nobody asked, but since its my blog I have the freedom to express it) nobody should expect or even change so much for anybody on this planet. I mean each of us are unique and if a relationship has to continue then its better that we let the other person be and accept them and if either of the partners feel that they cannot adjust then its always better to exit gracefully.
2. One way traffic – In these kind of relationships either of the partner expects the other person to change and do everything according to their wish and if the person refuses then it means that there is no love. I mean I just do not understand these kind of relationships – for starters how can anybody lead a life according to others wishes, that means that the person is not living his/her life but is living somebody Else’s life.
Unfortunately I know people who fall into both the above categories and have eventually failed in their relationships and the break ups are so messy that living becomes difficult post the break up. Either they get addicted to their partners in the name of love or develop hatred towards them, both of which are wrong.
I personally believe that there are things that can be overlooked and there are things that cannot be overlooked and its upto the individuals in the relationship to arrive at the list. But what one has to remember and understand is that all of us change in our life i.e. we surely are not the same people today that we were 10 years ago and we will not be the same 10 years from today, so we must be prepared to compromise and understand that just like we are changing our partners also change in their outlook but the core list of things that can be compromised on and cannot be compromised on cannot and should not change as that forms the basis or foundation of the relationship and the foundation should be strong as only then will the relationship be able to bear the calamities that might occur in future.
Sadly, without talking about these aspects people enter into relationships, date for a certain period and then get married only to realize that life is not as it looked before and then trouble starts brewing in the paradise.